


Reflection

by CallMeLex



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, M/M, bangtan - Freeform, bts - Freeform, i'm not sorry at all, inspired by reflection by rap monster, it's very sad okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 16:04:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12324297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallMeLex/pseuds/CallMeLex
Summary: Inspired by BTS's Rap Monster - Reflection."I want to be free. I want to be free from freedom. Because right now I'm happy but I'm unhappy. I'm looking at myself ... I wish I could love myself ..."





	Reflection

_**Reflection** _

**Enjoy (:**

* * *

 

 

Killua is just so tired lately, so completely done with everything and it really was starting to get to him. It was always like that though, and Killua knew it was going to pass soon - it always did. Only, when was soon?

It's been weeks, months actually, and everything just seemed to be falling apart and Killua doesn't know what he's supposed to do. Is he supposed to give up? No, he can't, he can't do that, what about Alluka? What would happen to his precious kid sibling?

Is Killua supposed to push through it all and ignore the pain? No, he can't do that either, how can he ignore this? It hurts so much more than anything else it always does it's nothing like physical pain.

Is he supposed to do as his brother says? Ignore it, embrace it, become one with it - use it? No Killua will not become like his brother - his family. He will not be a puppet to the "Family business" he's not.

Killua needs freedom, needs to feel like he's human, he needs something - anything - that can make him feel alive and whole and not like his heart and soul were weighted down by the world around him.

His chest hurt and his mind was always racing and calculating and his body was always so tense, ready to fight - ready to capture his prey even when he didn't have any prey to begin with and Killua didn't want to live like this anymore. He didn't want to be in charge of the family business - why couldn't Illumi be the heir, he's older and perfect in every way - he didn't want to kill people, didn't want to feel a piece of his soul crack and shatter over and over again.

Killua didn't want to become a machine. He didn't want to be another mindless puppet, didn't want to forget what it feels like to care to know what it means to live.

Too often Killua would sit alone in his room and think about how worthless he really was. How he couldn't even stand up to his family, how he was so weak to try and escape, how, no matter what, he just couldn't do what was expected of him. He was so useless in the best of days and all he's ever really wanted was approval and love and affection but all he got was disappointment, anger, and punishments. He was never good enough and he was never quite smart enough and why can't you be more like your older brothers and Killua hated it.

He hated his uselessness, his emotions, his need to be free. He hated the way he looked and the way he couldn't do anything right. Hated the way he was far too attached to Alluka and not attached enough to the family name and that made him sick to the stomach. How can he be so ungrateful, but what should be grateful for? And sometimes Killua thought that he must have it the worst but then he sees that at least he has a family and a home and food even if he was beaten half to death for training.

Killua hated himself and everything his blood stood for and he just wanted to be human - to be worth something for once. To feel like being Killua was enough, that he was human too. But then he looks at his reflection and he can't.

Killua looks into the eyes of his reflection and he sees nothing to be proud of. His eyes are too slanted, too dark and haunted and not human enough. His skin is too pale, too smooth, not human enough. His hair is too white too much like his father's - not human enough. His body is fit, muscles bulging here, lying flat there ... Too perfect to be human. He wasn't human enough he wasn't enough. Killua was just another Zoldyck child. Just another member of the Family. Just another killing machine in human skin.

Killua Zoldyck wasn't human enough. Wasn't talented enough. Wasn't emotionless enough. He wasn't enough of a Zoldyck to be praised but far too much of one to be human.

Killua doesn't know what he is, what he should be, what he needs to be. Killua isn't human enough - it echoes around his skull constantly and he just doesn't want that anymore. Killua wants, no he needs for the words to go away, to not be true but he knows they won't leave - that it's right and he's never going to be human enough.

So he tries to ignore it after a while, years go by and it gets easier to forget. It gets easier to forget what he wanted, what he felt like he needed because as a Zoldyck, there is no room to want. There's no need to feel. There's no reason to be human.

But then, Killua met Gon. Killua met someone so full of life and love and emotion and it was terrifying. How could someone be so free? Was it even possible something like this could exist?

Killua and Gon start talking to each other and it's just so new. Killua starts to feel things again around Gon and it's terrifying. Gon does stupid things and gets himself hurt sometimes and says the most random things sometimes and Killua wants to smile, wants to laugh.

It's all so new and different and Killua doesn't really understand but he wants to. He wants to know why his heart constricts when Gon frowns, or when tears start to build in big brown eyes. Killua wants to know why his heart beats faster and he feels hot when Gon makes innocent but suggestive remarks - Killua's never been embarrassed by such things before, so why?

Killua learns. He learns how to feel and understand and be human. Killua finds acceptance and understanding and love in Gon. Killua is so grateful. So completely thankful to Gon that it makes his heartache in his ribcage but that's okay. Because Killua is human now and he and Gon are together and Killua matters now.

At 24, Killua and Gon are lovers, have been for about 5 years now and Killua is afraid again. The Zoldyck Family want their heir back but Killua doesn't want to go. Killua doesn't want to be a machine again, he doesn't want to lose the ability to feel again.

But then he's found. Illumi, he's found Killua and Killua doesn't want to go, doesn't want to be less than human again but then a word is uttered, it's said in malicious tones and Killua knows it's a threat so he leaves.

_Gon._

Killua leaves his only friend - his lover - because he's terrified. He's terrified that the Family will get Gon to get Killua and Killua cannot let that happen.

He tries to keep himself together better this time. Tries to stay human, tries to keep his heart from shattering again.

It didn't work and he fell. Fell into false skins and meaningless lies like so long ago and it makes Killua sick.

Disgusted and horrified with himself because he's not this machine, he's not this killer anymore but he is. He's a ghost, a ghoul, an assassin. He's a monster, he's not human anymore and it's terrifying.

Killua finds himself hating his reflection even more than before. Finds that his eyes are just holes now, not human enough for color. His hair is too white to be human, far too much like his father's. His body is too muscular too perfect to be human. Killua is a machine, a puppet - expendable.

Killua is alone. Killua is afraid. Killua just wants to be human again.

He hates himself. Hates his needs, his wants, his insecurities. Killua hates that he doesn't want to care anymore, hates that he feels useless and worthless and like a machine. Hates how he can't keep his soul from cracking and his heart from breaking. Hates that he wants to be human.

_Killua hates his reflection._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comment if you liked it.


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